just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
