Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
