i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
