all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
