this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
