I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
