I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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