you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
