I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
