Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You left your phone here
Wait...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize