Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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