It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
