I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
