did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize