Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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