so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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