I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
