If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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