Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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