Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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