so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
