bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i've created a new STD.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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