Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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