Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she told me i tasted like america
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
