I'm lost and stupid without you.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
