new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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