LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
