your parents love me but you hate me
My friends, they love my intelligence
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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