I like to think it a success when the cops are called
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
