My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
