My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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