There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
