It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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