WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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