he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
