there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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