brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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