wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
