i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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