is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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