your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
