You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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