This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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