from now on my penis is your penis
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
