tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
