I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
