I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
