We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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