Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
