My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
