it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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