Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
