Only a mothe r could love this liver
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
