I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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