i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
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