I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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