I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
