Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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