Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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