You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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