Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
try to milk me bitch
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
