the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
not ubering you a puppy
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
