If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize